Thank you so much for praying for me all these years. We've been through a lot together. We've been through the process to become a missionary, home service, grad school and chronic illness. You're prayers have sustained me, encouraged me and kept me going. I can't tell you how much that means to me.
My most recent trip to the Wellness Center in Lincoln, Nebraska was even more encouraging than my first visit. My body is responding really well to the treatments. In fact, it's responding so well that we need to slow things down a little and give my body time to rest. I'm now taking my drops at home every other day instead of every day. Dr. Sara was amazed at how much better I look than the first time I came in. Even though my body is tired from all the detoxing that's been going on my eyes are getting their sparkle back and my color is better. The yellow is almost completely gone from my face and hands, the black under my eyes is almost all gone and the butterfly rash on my face that's been a constant companion for years is pretty much gone as well. Today I was incredibly tired and missed church. Some days are like that. There are times I will still be miserable, but I should start having more good days than bad days.
The only not so good news I got was about parasites. I have something called babesia in my head. Google it if you want. I wouldn't recommend it! Basically it's a parasite that comes from a tic bite. The good news is I'm already taking something that is going to make it go away. I try not to think about it. It's creepy and gross and disgusting!
The first time I saw Dr. Sara she told me that in one and a half to two years I could be better. This last trip down she said that my body is responding so well that I could be better in maybe only a year. ONE YEAR! I can't even begin to wrap my head around that.
What would it be like to be a healthy person this time next year? I've been sickly my entire life and really sick for the past five and a half years. I can't imagine being healthy. I don't remember what it's like to not be in pain and constantly fatigued. I can't imagine strength and energy.
I think of an interaction between Jesus and a chronically ill person that we read about in John 5:2-8...
Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.”This afternoon I was listening to the sermon from church last week. Pastor Doug was talking about this very issue. (Don't you love it when God does that?!) Jesus asks the man who had been sick for thirty-eight years, "Do you want to be healed?" This might seem like a silly question, but it's not. As I think about the possibility of being healed I find Jesus asking me the same question. "Do you want to be healed?" My first instinct is to scream "YES!" at the top of my lungs. Of course I want to be healed! But do I?
I may hate being sick, but I'm used to it. I may wish that I could work full time but I'm used to working part time. I may be slightly ashamed that I have to be on disability, but it's steady income when I don't feel well enough to work.
If God heals me my life will change drastically...again. It has to. There are a lot of unknowns and unknowns are scary. I have a lot of questions running through my head. I know that I need to take things one day at a time and see where God leads. But the questions are still there.
Questions like "Do I pick my life up where I left off and get ready to go overseas like I was going to?" "How have the last five and a half years changed my life?" "What did/does God want me to learn from being chronically ill and how does that change my life moving forward?" "What if I think I'm better, but then I get sick again?" (Been there, done that, it sucks.) "What if I give up disability, but then need it again?"
These are just a few of the questions I have. There are more. Some of these questions I ask myself whether I am healed or not. The simple truth is that being sick changed my life. Being healed will change my life again. In some ways being sick is easier. I don't feel well enough to do a lot of things so it's easy to say no. It is more difficult to prioritize and not get bogged down with busyness when you feel well enough to "do it all." There are more expectations placed on healthy people than sick people. There are more expectations I place on myself when I am healthy.
All things considered, fears and uncertainty placed in God's hands, I say "Yes Lord, I want to be healed." I do want to be better. I want to get part of my life back that I lost. I want to take the lessons learned while I was sick and and apply them to a healthy life. I want to honor God with my body (whether it's a healthy body or a sick body). I want my life to point to others to Jesus. I want to walk in obedience to my Lord. Ultimately, I want to place my life in His hands and trust Him to do what's best for me, for His glory.
The other night God spoke to me through a verse in the little book of Haggai.
2 comments:
Love this, Josie. Really, really appreciate your honesty. I have struggled with some of the same ideas at different times. Sometimes when we surrender, it's a fine line between accepting whatever comes and getting "comfortable" with (or maybe attached to) wherever we're at. Change is hard either way, and it is sometimes even more difficult when we make the effort of changing toward something we want, knowing there is a risk we might lose it.
So grateful for the ways the Lord is working in your life!!!
Um yeah.....I'm beginning to scratch the surface of so much of this. Thought provoking and convicting. It's weird to almost be scared to be healthy. But the unknown is always a little scary.... Glad we can do this together! :)
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