pearl in the sand

Hello friends, 

I’m sorry for my tardiness in getting this month’s blog posted. A couple of weeks ago I got to go on vacation! Hurray for vacation!! My roommates, their sister and I went to visit their grandparents in North Dakota. It was lovely. They have such a wonderful place, surrounded by big trees, large barns and long gravel roads. We indulged in wind therapy, their grandpa took us flying in his airplane, their grandma took us shopping and we ate so much good food! Oh, did I mention we also looked at pictures and watched old family videos? Oh the stories I could tell J I took so many photographs. I’ve finally managed to get them on my computer, but they are on my external hard drive that I can’t reach…I’ll post pictures later!

We got back Monday of last week. Tuesday I worked, Wednesday I crashed. I don’t think I got out of bed that day at all except to go to the bathroom and take my pills! Thursday I was still in pain, but managed to make it to my chair in the evening. Friday I was starting to feel better, but thought I better rest one more day, just to be safe. 

Saturday morning I was awakened about 5:30 with a sharp pain in the back of my head, the worst headache I have ever had. I got a cold pack to put on it and tried to go back to sleep. Later when I got up it was still there, getting worse. I was having vision problems and was very dizzy. I went to the Urgent Care/ER to get it checked out with the words brain aneurysm and tumor running through my painful head. My attending physician wasn’t just any doctor, it was MY doctor, praise the Lord! She would take me seriously and is familiar with my crazy health history. She did some neurological tests, a few of which I failed. She had a CT scan done of my head and started me on some medication through an IV. It took three nurses three tries to get it completely in a vein. The first one didn’t even bother trying, the second one tried in both arms to no avail and the third one shoved it in my hand and I cried like a baby. At least I forgot about my head for a few minutes! The first medication didn't touch it, then they gave me morphine and some anti-nausea medicine and I finally started to feel better. My doctor was very happy to tell me that the CT scan came back fine. I was experiencing my first migraine headache, which I learned can mimic a tumor or brain aneurysm the first time you get one. We were all quite concerned for a while there.

If this wasn’t enough, while I was at the ER I had intense pain in my chest/rib cage area. I've felt this before; it comes on fast and lasts for a few seconds to a minute or so. This time it lasted several minutes and my doctor was able to come in and check it. I don't know how to explain the pain other than an intense pain along the entirety of the front of my rib cage. It's like someone is grasping my rib cage and bending it in towards the middle, or maybe like my organs are all of a sudden too big to fit in my rib cage and are trying to break out. My doctor pressed on certain areas and it was so painful. Again the tears flowed, it had been such a long, painful day. She said the good news is that it isn't my heart and I'm getting enough oxygen, I just need to remember to breathe. It is part of Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease. The connective tissues and muscles around my ribs swell and press on my rib cage and cause a great deal of pain. It's so painful that I can't catch my breath and then I have problems breathing...a viscous cycle to be sure.

Five hours later my doctor gave me medication that I can take at home if I get another migraine and I got to go home. I was so grateful for that medication because I got another migraine the next day. I’ve been experiencing what I call a “pain hangover” ever since. I’ve still had headaches every day, but not migraines. I’ve been so exhausted that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I keep falling asleep in the middle of things. It’s been difficult, especially today, to find words for things. Between my stomach issues, headaches, migraines and the “normal pain” that is attacking new areas, I feel like I’m falling apart!

As I look back at this weekend (though it was horrible in many ways) I see that God was very present and blessed me in many ways. First of all, my favorite doctor is on maternity leave. She shouldn't have been there, but she was! To my great joy she was filling in for someone on Saturday. She loves Jesus and having a sister in Christ take care of me was a blessing. She is compassionate and caring, she knows my history and has the wisdom to make connections that another doctor couldn’t/wouldn’t make. It was also a blessing that I had one of those episodes with my ribs when I was there. I forget I get them because they last such a short time and I only get them occasionally. However, they are always scary and I wonder what is causing them. Not only did I have an episode in the ER, but it was long enough for my doctor to come and check it out while it was happening. Now I know what is happening and it isn't so scary. Still painful, but less scary!

These past several days I have had a lot of time on my hands. Typically when I’m stuck home because of my health it is because of pain. Pain is uncomfortable, but I can still watch movies or listen to music or read a book. Sometimes I even work from home. However, with these headaches (even the ones later that weren’t migraines) the light bothers me, noises bother me, I can’t keep my eyes open long enough to do anything. So I lay in bed with my curtains closed. I cry a little and I’m angry at God. Oh, I still love Him, but I’m ticked that He hasn’t healed me yet. I ask Him again why I have to go through all of this. I try to make Him understand that I would be of much more use to Him if I was healthy. I fall into a dreamless sleep and wake up with the same questions running through my head. Finally I acknowledge that His plans are best and if this is the way He wants to use me, then so be it. I trust Him and I trust His plan.

Finally I could keep my eyes open a little longer and could read to pass the time. I decided to read a book that I won from Susie Larson’s Book Giveaway Wednesday on Facebook. “Pearl in the Sand” is a novel about the life of Rahab. It is written by Tessa Afshar and is the best book I have read in a long time. God used it to speak to the depths of my heart. There is one point in the book where Salmone is trying to make Rahab understand her worth. They are married now and are both struggling with how to accept her past and have a good marriage. Salmone had given her a pair of gold and pearl earrings that had belonged to his mother when he asked her to marry him and at this point in the story she was frantic because she had lost one of them. They were her prized possession and now one was missing. After looking for hours Salmone found the earring. It was covered in sand and had been walked on by several people. Rahab was so excited that he had found it, but Salmone told her to leave it, it was ruined. She argued with him and told him that it wasn’t ruined, it just needed to be washed well and a few of the wires bent back into place. He wouldn’t let her take the earring until she understood that she was that earring. She had been abused and trampled on and discarded by others, but she was still of great worth.

Don’t you see God looks upon you the way you look upon this delicate jewel? Only with so much more tenderness and delight. Do you remember the story of creation? It tells us that His hand fashioned us – fashioned you – in His own image. The One who created you in His image, the One who called you very good, must consider you to have profound worth. You are like this precious jewel to Him. … And you have never lost the value you were born with.(pg 284-285)

We all walk through the valley sometimes and when we’re there, it is easy to think that we are worth less than when we were on the mountaintop. It is easy to believe that we have lost our value. It is difficult to remember who we are in Christ and that He loves us just as much today as the day He made us. Read that quote again. Let it sink in to your very soul. These words weren’t just for Rahab, they weren’t just for me, they are for you as well. Yes, this is a fictional novel based on a real woman, but those words are very true. You are loved, you are valued and you are of great worth! If you would like to read the Biblical account of Rahab, it can be found in Joshua 1-10, the book of Ruth and Matthew 1:1-17. As I read through the genealogy in Matthew 1 something else struck me about the people listed there. I’ll save that for another post!


(I have to say, I look at the story of Jericho in a whole new way after reading Pearl in the Sand. Find out more about the book and author here.)