Here's another update for all of you curious people who are so faithfully praying for me! Praise the Lord that my doctor decided I could go on Prednisone for a month while I'm off my other meds. This is a blessing and a curse! After starting it I had a couple of pretty good days with extra energy, the most I have had in a long time. Then I woke up with a sore throat. I haven't left home since Tuesday night and I'm going a little stir crazy! My throat doesn't hurt as much today, but I've had a fever and feel all around lousy. I've occupied myself by watching The Facts of Life re-runs on YouTube, an episode of Psych, reading a little (it's too hard to concentrate), and listening to Christian rock music while eating some of the delicious food my dad brought me.
I've also been keeping up with some of the girls in my Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease (UCTD) Group on Facebook, they keep me sane. I learned a few things this week from them. I learned that many of them like rock music, the heavier the better. Now, I've never really understood the appeal of rock music. All those people screaming at you, who likes that? I'd rather listen to something happy and cheerful. That is, until recently. I've been enjoying it more and more and I think I know why my UCTD girls and I like it. (Let me know if I'm wrong girls, this might just be me!) When you deal with chronic pain it is very frustrating. The disease messes with you, the drugs they put you on to fix you give you side effects that are just as bad as the disease they are supposed to be fighting. With UCTD the pain is never in the same place and you never know what new symptom will decide it wants to come out and play. Just when you think things are under control BAM! Something new hits you that you didn't even know was a possibility. More tests, new doctors, more waiting, less answers. It makes you want to scream and beat someone...er, um, I mean something. Enter the rock music. Somehow it is comforting to listen to someone else scream, especially when I don't have the energy to do so myself. And it's not all screaming, some of these people have really beautiful voices. I like music that I know has clean lyrics, even if I can't understand them all (that's what the internet is for, looking up words to songs)! My brother gave me a couple of Demon Hunter CDs. (Thanks Ike!) One of the songs on there is called Collapsing. I thought I would share this one with you because it's not so "scary" for those of you who don't like metal. Here are some of the words:
I, I see the weight of hollow death residing in you
Take now your final breath
Exhale the truth
I see the fear of nothing left
Dead fragments of youth
You hold it in yourself
I feel it too
I mourn your blindness
I die along
And swallow darkness
In misery is where I belong
Collapsing in on yourself
I don't know why I try (I try)
Collapsing in on yourself
I don't know why you deny
I, I know the light is burning dim and dying in you
I know the pain that lies within
I feel it too
To watch the video, click HERE.
You know, it would be so easy to live like this. It would be so easy to collapse, to let God's light that is in me burn dim, to give in to the pain, to let the weight fall down heavy on me, to blind myself to what God is doing and how He is working. This world is full of people living a hollow death, who are blind to what really matters. I feel for them, I understand them. But I refuse to be one of them. I refuse to let the devil win and drag me down. I understand what it is like to live with chronic pain. I understand how people can become depressed and see the world as a dark place and even though I feel it to, I will try to direct people's eyes to the Lord, just as I try to keep my own gaze on Him. He is the only one that can make sense of the pain and bring light into the darkness. I don't know what pain or darkness you may be experiencing right now, but I want you to know that hope lies in the loving arms of the Lord. Reach out to Him and He will pick you up and set you in a place of honor in His Kingdom.
It's so easy for those of us in the church to shoot our wounded, to gossip about those we don't understand, to judge others and think we are better than they are. I have done it and I am ashamed. I ask for the Lord's forgiveness, for Him to change my heart and help me to love those I don't understand...and those I do. We have no idea what people are going through or what kind of darkness they are walking through. As we expectantly wait for Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth I encourage you to have compassion and show love. Reach out to someone who may be hurting and show them that they are beautiful and loved and cherished by the Maker of the Universe. Pain (of any kind) can do funny things to a person. So if someone acts rude, yells at you or does things you don't understand, love them anyway. It probably isn't you they are fighting, but the darkness that tries to overtake them. Or maybe they are fighting the medication that is supposed to help, yet plays with their emotions and turns them into someone that deep down they are not. So don't take it personally, love them and gently point them to the One who can take away their fear and walk them through the darkness into the light of His comfort, love, grace and mercy.
If you are the one who is walking through the darkness, take heart my friend. You are not alone. You are loved. You are cherished. You are not a mistake. You are here for a reason. God has amazing plans for your life. It may not seem like it now, but reach out and take God's hand. Let Him lead you into the light. Let Him love you. Don't be afraid, or too proud, to accept His love. The Lord of the universe loves you. He died for you. Don't ever think that what you are going through is too much or too bad for God. He sent His Son to die for you. We celebrate this fact in a couple of weeks. Accept that and let Him radically change your life. God never said this life would be easy, in fact, His Word says that you will face much suffering. It also says that He will never leave you or forsake you. Never. Reach out to Him and He will use the suffering you are going through to make you strong and equip you to love the way He loves. You don't have to journey through this life alone. Take His hand, He's been waiting for you.
(Wow, this blog entry didn't go anywhere near where I was expecting it to go tonight. I guess someone needed to hear this and I must have needed to speak it. May the Lord use the words my fingers type for His glory.)
Don't worry, I didn't forget the second thing I learned from my UCTD group this week! Besides the fact that many of the members enjoy rock music, I learned that prednisone is not-so-affectionately called the devil's tic tacs! My new friend Miranda let me in on this well known nickname that I had somehow missed when she said: "Even if you are an angel, we don't call prednisone 'the devils tic-tacs' for nothing! They really bring out the worst in us!" I should have known, even though this stuff helps the pain, it sure messes with your emotions and makes you feel quite grouchy, even angry. So if I snap at you or say something unkind or insensitive or have on my glass half empty glasses or seem not quite myself it's because I'm throwing back the devil's tic tacs! I've also been having a terrible time sleeping. Between the pain and my downstairs neighbor, I'm a walking zombie. I'm sorry, I will try not to use these things as an excuse to be grouchy! Pray for me, and let me know how I can pray for you. I have lots of time on my hands as I sit here not feeling well. Keeping my eyes on others and lifting them up to Christ helps me keep my eyes off of myself and put them where they belong, locked with the eyes of my Maker.
You know, it would be so easy to live like this. It would be so easy to collapse, to let God's light that is in me burn dim, to give in to the pain, to let the weight fall down heavy on me, to blind myself to what God is doing and how He is working. This world is full of people living a hollow death, who are blind to what really matters. I feel for them, I understand them. But I refuse to be one of them. I refuse to let the devil win and drag me down. I understand what it is like to live with chronic pain. I understand how people can become depressed and see the world as a dark place and even though I feel it to, I will try to direct people's eyes to the Lord, just as I try to keep my own gaze on Him. He is the only one that can make sense of the pain and bring light into the darkness. I don't know what pain or darkness you may be experiencing right now, but I want you to know that hope lies in the loving arms of the Lord. Reach out to Him and He will pick you up and set you in a place of honor in His Kingdom.
It's so easy for those of us in the church to shoot our wounded, to gossip about those we don't understand, to judge others and think we are better than they are. I have done it and I am ashamed. I ask for the Lord's forgiveness, for Him to change my heart and help me to love those I don't understand...and those I do. We have no idea what people are going through or what kind of darkness they are walking through. As we expectantly wait for Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth I encourage you to have compassion and show love. Reach out to someone who may be hurting and show them that they are beautiful and loved and cherished by the Maker of the Universe. Pain (of any kind) can do funny things to a person. So if someone acts rude, yells at you or does things you don't understand, love them anyway. It probably isn't you they are fighting, but the darkness that tries to overtake them. Or maybe they are fighting the medication that is supposed to help, yet plays with their emotions and turns them into someone that deep down they are not. So don't take it personally, love them and gently point them to the One who can take away their fear and walk them through the darkness into the light of His comfort, love, grace and mercy.
If you are the one who is walking through the darkness, take heart my friend. You are not alone. You are loved. You are cherished. You are not a mistake. You are here for a reason. God has amazing plans for your life. It may not seem like it now, but reach out and take God's hand. Let Him lead you into the light. Let Him love you. Don't be afraid, or too proud, to accept His love. The Lord of the universe loves you. He died for you. Don't ever think that what you are going through is too much or too bad for God. He sent His Son to die for you. We celebrate this fact in a couple of weeks. Accept that and let Him radically change your life. God never said this life would be easy, in fact, His Word says that you will face much suffering. It also says that He will never leave you or forsake you. Never. Reach out to Him and He will use the suffering you are going through to make you strong and equip you to love the way He loves. You don't have to journey through this life alone. Take His hand, He's been waiting for you.
(Wow, this blog entry didn't go anywhere near where I was expecting it to go tonight. I guess someone needed to hear this and I must have needed to speak it. May the Lord use the words my fingers type for His glory.)
Don't worry, I didn't forget the second thing I learned from my UCTD group this week! Besides the fact that many of the members enjoy rock music, I learned that prednisone is not-so-affectionately called the devil's tic tacs! My new friend Miranda let me in on this well known nickname that I had somehow missed when she said: "Even if you are an angel, we don't call prednisone 'the devils tic-tacs' for nothing! They really bring out the worst in us!" I should have known, even though this stuff helps the pain, it sure messes with your emotions and makes you feel quite grouchy, even angry. So if I snap at you or say something unkind or insensitive or have on my glass half empty glasses or seem not quite myself it's because I'm throwing back the devil's tic tacs! I've also been having a terrible time sleeping. Between the pain and my downstairs neighbor, I'm a walking zombie. I'm sorry, I will try not to use these things as an excuse to be grouchy! Pray for me, and let me know how I can pray for you. I have lots of time on my hands as I sit here not feeling well. Keeping my eyes on others and lifting them up to Christ helps me keep my eyes off of myself and put them where they belong, locked with the eyes of my Maker.
3 comments:
Oh Jo! I am praying for you my dearest, bestest friend.
Josie,
You write beautifully!
It's funny that you mention "rock music" as heavy and screaming. Take a step back because I'm about to blow your mind. I'm a "metal head" and that's my music of choice. While most people think of a subgenre of metal called "death metal" when they hear the word, I happen to hate most death metal. There are close to 30 legit genres of metal, some of which would surprise you are even considered metal at all. It usually bugs me that people are so quick to judge when they live outside the metal community. Most of the lyrics aren't about anger (many are, but you can find that anywhere) and are about the trials and tribulations of life, including love. Might I suggest you look up lyrics to songs by bands such as Dream Theater and Breaking Benjamin to see what I'm talking about. Even listen to the beautiful song "I walk beside you" by Dream Theater" which I think you would love and relate to. They aren't a religious band, but often write about religion. The song isn't about Jesus, but can easily be read that way, which is great because we can all take what we want from lyrics. I used to think metal was solely devil music and screaming about hate, but it's not at all! My husband showed me another side :-). It's also nice to hear powerful music when you become angered and upset as you feel not so alone. Please don't think Megadeath or Slayer represents all metal!
I hope that "the devils tic tacs" don't bring you down too much. If they do, remember that your UCTD friends are always there and understand. To quote another DT song, " to those who understand, I extend my hand...take me as I am."
-Miranda
And now that I read about the walls of Jericho, look up lyrics to Dream Theaters song "these walls"! I can find you metal lyrics to fit anything! Just so happens DT fits the bill again and again!
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