Well friends, another month has gone by. I must be getting older because the time sure is flying! This first long paragraph is an update on my health. If you aren't interested in all that, skip to the second paragraph!! The big news this month is that I had surgery. This was my first surgery and I wasn't a fan. They went in to remove my gallbladder, which was not working, inflamed and pretty much worthless. They made a small incision and went in through my bellybutton. They pulled my gallbladder out, then pulled out a growth they removed from my liver, then fixed a small hernia...all from that little cut! Amazing what they can do these days! I reacted quite poorly attempting to come out of the anesthesia so they ended up keeping me overnight in the hospital. As far as hospital experiences go, that was my first as well. Though I don't ever want to repeat it, if I ever do have to stay in the hospital again I hope it's in Baldwin. They are great there and they let me sleep and it was quiet! Amazing for a hospital :) I spent a week at my parents house pretty much out of it with two subsequent visits to the surgeon to adjust medications because of a poor reaction to them. It has taken me a long time to recover from this, but pretty much as soon as I could keep food down the day after the surgery I've been eating. Eating a lot! My appetite is back to normal and it feels wonderful! I thought that after eating so much for a month I would have gained back some weight, but I weighed myself earlier this week and I'm still only 98 pounds. I am praying that it is just going to take a while to put the weight back on and that there are no other issues! My follow up appointment with the surgeon went very well. He told me that the growth on my liver was, well, more liver! You know how if they remove a piece of your liver it will regenerate itself and grow back? I guess my liver decided that it wanted to grow some more for no reason! Not sure why, but I guess it isn't a big deal so that makes me happy! Whenever they have to biopsy something it makes me nervous because the medication (methotrexate) that I take to keep the autoimmune disease under control may cause cancer. That's a lovely side effect, huh?! Speaking of methotrexate, I was not able to take that the week before my surgery or three weeks after. Because my immune system is hyperactive and attacks the good things in my body instead of the bad I take this medication to suppress my immune system so it doesn't attack the good stuff. This means it won't attack the bad things either, like a cold or virus. When I get sick my body cannot fight it off by itself. Anyway, all that to say that when I am recovering from surgery my immune system can't be suppressed so I can't take that medicine. So even though at this point I am doing great recovering from the surgery the rest of my body hurts like crazy because I can't take the medicine that makes it not hurt! By not taking this medicine I am also much more tired than normal (and I normally need 10-12 hours of sleep a night), some nights I can't sleep because I'm in so much pain (even with the Tylenol PM), my brain is in a fog more than usual, I find it difficult to process things and I just generally feel bad. I am trying really hard to not get sick. If I stay infection free until Monday I can go back on my medicine and hopefully that will help a lot. I am praying that my medicine will now be absorbed better by my body so that it works better. If not, they are probably going to switch me over to taking it by injection instead of pills. I really don't want to give myself shots - ick!
That is my very long health update. Sorry, it's probably not all that interesting to you! However, I find if I write it then I have to tell this whole big long story less because people know :) Lately when people ask me how I am it is really difficult to answer. I honestly don't know what to tell them! I mean, physically I am not so great, but other than that I am pretty good! My soul is good, I am happy and most importantly I am filled with a joy that only the Lord can give me. Without the joy of the Lord I would seriously be depressed. Really depressed. They say that people with chronic illnesses get depressed easily and I can see why. To be perfectly honest with you it just sucks sometimes. Can I say that? Well, I just did, because it does! I hate the fact that other people get to go out and do things and go places and I am stuck at home resting or sleeping. I hate the fact that sometimes I can't be around people because I might catch their cold and get really sick. I hate the fact that I have to say no so often to so many things. I hate the fact that I didn't appreciate my good health when I had it. I hate the fact that I have the occasional pity party when I know that there are so many people worse off than me. I hate the fact that I want to jump ahead and know what God's plan is in all of this instead of just trusting Him with the faith of a little child. I hate the fact that sometimes it is so hard to get God's truths from my head to my heart.
So how can I be happy and full of joy in spite of all these things I hate? God. Really, that's it. God gives me strength when I have none. He gives me people to encourage me and pray for me (people like you...thank you) when I think I can't take it any longer. He gives me roommates that really understand. He gives me a family that loves me and takes care of me when I have no strength to take care of myself. He gives me a job that allows me to take a month off to recover and bosses that are constantly making sure I'm okay. He gives me photography. I never imagined that I could love photography so much! I find that when I get out in nature with a camera God speaks to me. I feel peace and calm and for a few moments I forget about the pain I'm in and all the hard things. I remember that God created this big, beautiful world and He created me. He knit me together in my mother's womb and made me exactly the way He wants me. I could never be mad at Him for that. Not if I really trust that He has a plan for my life and that He made me in the exact way He needed to in order for me to fulfill that plan. So I sit on a little stone wall and gaze out into the ocean with flowers from my feet all the way down to the water. I sit there with the warm sunshine on my face and the cool ocean breeze blowing through my hair and I feel the loving arms of God wrapping around me. I take a photograph in an attempt to capture that feeling and share it with you. That, my friends, is the joy of the Lord. May you experience that joy in your own life this month.
(And here I thought this was going to be a short post! Thank you friends for listening to my therapy session :) This is how I process. I can write things that I can't say out loud. Enjoy this glimpse through the window of my soul!)
